A slap upside the head!

Every once in a while God uses life's events to slap us upside the head and pull us in closer. Now - don't get me wrong - I am not NOT not saying that God is using my mother's death to pull me closer or slap me upside the head. I think it is only our human nature to look at our own mortalitiy when someone close to us dies - and as a mom and wife - my mother's death struck me in ways I am still coming to grips with (and I am sure it will continue to do this for months in the future). For example - I had a major panic attach lastnight (or like 0300 this morning when I got home from work) that at any moment God may call me home and my girls would be alone (as well as my DH). I felt this profound loss for my girls and was literally sitting up in bed hyperventilating. I remember crying out to God in prayer for comfort and peace - and just as I was starting to drift off to sleep Rowan came and climbed in bed with me. Such comfort!!!!

After I returned home to Chicago - not being able to do much of anything - I started (again for like the FIFTH time) a study of the Psalms. Psalms are beautiful chapters in the bible that is full of praise, prayers, laments and songs. A perfect study for me right now. I wish I could say I am doing it on my own but I am using THIS as a guide. About four days into the study I thought - "hmmmmm my dad might like this or find it very comforting." I then preceded to print off the studies with little notes on them and I am sending one a day to him. Each letter is prayed over that my dad might find comfort, wisdom, or more of God in them.

I myself - am drawing close to God - like I haven't in a while. Many of you that know me know that I am a CONTROL freak. If I am not in control then I FREAK. However, there is a growing part in me that is longing, craving, crying out to NOT be in control. I don't want to lead, I don't want to be the strong one, I don't want to be the one that is ALWAYS making the decisions. I want to follow for once (or twice, or three times.....) The last three weeks - while I haven't truly appreciated it - I have been falling more and more on God. At first it was for discernment. It then grew to Grace and Mercy. Then it grew to comfort. Now I find I am falling on him to get me through the day. While other aspects of my life are still under my anal and scrutinous control - MY LIFE is completely in God's hands right now. It is very unsettling but - at the same time - a HUGE relief.

So - do I think that my mom's death was a way for God to slap me upside the head and pull me in...... no. I think that God uses ALL things for the greater good of his plan. My mom died. She is no longer in pain, she can breathe freely, hear the most muted tones, her heart is full of life and she is running through a wide open field smiling, laughing and at PEACE. While I am full of sorrow, laments, anger (I am stuck in the anger mode of grief now) and other emotions I am not sure of - I know that good will come from this. It's in God's hands and already apart of his plan.

The new testament rading I chose for her service was so fitting and hard for me to read that day..... I now realize why.....

The New Jerusalem
1 Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. 2 I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4 He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

5 He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."

6 He said to me: "It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life. 7 He who overcomes will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be my son.

With all of that said I wanted to thank EVERYONE for their prayers, thoughts and notes. Each one gave me comfort and cyber hugs!

THANK YOU BonnieRosefor the lovely parcel that showed up on my doorstep yesterday as I was heading out to work. It was so sweet and made my day!!!!! (my camera's batteries are recharging as I type! AND YES you are invited!!!! Please still come to visit!!!

THANK YOU to my Pastor and his wife for all the support and prayers these past few weeks.

THANK YOU Lorinda for your prayers and your invite for a GIRLS afternoon! I am getting my planner out now!!!

THANK YOU

Now - with my first day alone and off from work - I am trying to get the energy or inspiration to scrapbook or knit.

It is a cool, breezy (when is the WIND NOT BLOWING in Chicago) overcast day out and perfect for curling up and reading....

I think I am just going to VEG. What a concept.... Veg!